MIM'S STORY - Part 2

During this time I met a family who accepted me and welcomed me into their hearts and home. I learned about relationships, honesty, trust, vulnerability, safety and unconditional love.

I saw how they responded to pain, I began to understand what it meant to belong to a family, and I stopped reading the romance novels, I did not need them anymore.

I became acquainted with the Vineyard Church. Once again, God revealed himself to me in a greater way. I was ready to experience God's presence. I was ready to experience an intimate relationship with Jesus. I experienced joy and peace and rest in my life. I was building deep and lasting friendships. Each step along the way God revealed more and more of Himself to me. The more I grasped truth, the more I experienced Jesus, I was learning to understand acceptance.

A few years later I was invited to move to Iowa City to help with this church. I quickly became part of the community. I felt healthy and whole. Life was different than I had hoped for. I still longed to be married, but it no longer was my focus. I was happy. I had good friends, an adorable home, and I was learning to love Jesus and others. I lacked nothing. It was at this point that my 'prince' came into my life.

He was handsome, I was beautiful. He had a red convertible and I had perfect hair. He was a Christian. I decided on our 2nd date that I would marry this man, and 9 months later we were married. I was loved and chosen. I had my own family.

On our honeymoon he changed. He changed so much I had to wonder, who is this man? Where did the soft-spoken, kind, Godly man that I used to know go?

I wondered: did I marry my Father? But we had both been single for a long time, and I figured we might need time to adjust. I thought our daily fights might be normal. Within three months of our wedding I had three dreams that my husband left me. These dreams were frightening. I shared them with my husband and he reassured me he would never leave me.

But, what never left was the anger. No conversation or activity was immune to an explosion. I prayed, talked with friends, cried, and tried to get my husband to go to counseling with me. He refused. His anger kept getting worse and worse. Walls, cars, dishes and doors, nothing was safe when he was angry. But, still I hoped. I knew God was good. I knew God was powerful. I remembered the stars. I kept hoping for change.

I became pregnant. Three months later I miscarried. I was in such pain, I thought I would die. I became very depressed. I lost hope. My dream of having children seemed impossible. I could barely hold on. I could only pray,"Oh God, Oh God". My friends offered me comfort and faith. I felt God holding me and my tears.

My marriage did not improve. My husband, my prince, the man I had long dreamed of, had turned into a creature from a nightmare. Our home was a war zone, and I feared I was losing my mind. I remembered the dreams of my husband leaving and I wondered if God was graciously preparing my heart for the end of my marriage.

One day, after yet another explosion of anger, I couldn't stop shaking. I knew I needed to do something drastic. I was not safe. I asked him to move out of our home and he refused. He responded with denial and blame instead of repentance and reconcilliation. If he was staying, I had to leave, so I left within a half hour with two laundry baskets of my belongings and my dog. I was homeless and more alone than before.

Following counsel of my pastors and people I trusted, I knew staying with him would be a lie. My only option was to live in truth and acknowledge he had broken our wedding vows. I had to chose LIFE.

On Sept. 1, 2004, my marriage ended. My prince was no more. Actually, my prince never was. It's hard to put into words the emotions that coursed through my veins. Yet, in the midst of the sorrow and anger, I realized I had choices. I could blame God, or myself. I could withdraw from friends and from my church, I could give up and move away. But none of these seemed right. I did not want my life to be based on lies or shame. I had to decide which I would live in. Would I choose fantasy or would I face the truth?

Somewhere deep inside me a cry was recognized. LIVE! I didn't know if I would make it, I wondered if I would ever experience joy again. Once again, in God's mercy, He revealed himself to me, in many ways. One was through the Bible, the story of Jabez. Jabez's story is found in a couple of verses, hidden in the middle of a long geneology.

I Chronicles 4:9-10 states; Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez saying, "I gave birth to him in pain". Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain. And God granted him his request."

Jabez was given the family idenity of pain. Can you imagine his childhood? Can "Pain" come out and play? What about his marriage proposal? Will you marry me? Would you like to live with "pain" your whole life?

In the old testament, your name was your idenity, Yet Jabez knew God called out for a new idenity. He asked God to enlarge his territory, and scripture tells us God granted his request. I found hope in this. I thought, I do not want an idenity based on pain.

God hear my cry, hear my request. Broaden my territory, open my heart to more than what I have been given. Don't let me stay in the anger forever. Let me live life again.

I felt God say to me, "You've seen what happens when pain is not faced. You have a relationship with me, you have a family, a community...walk this journey with them. I will grant you your request."

Here's how God had me walk this out.....
(To be continued)