CINDY'S STORY - Part 2

One day during this struggle I was walking through my bedroom seeing the attention it needed. It was a mess! I was so exhausted in every aspect of life that I could hardly take another step, yet I was late for an appointment. My heart felt like it would take a crane to lift and my steps were dragging like an anchor. I saw a paper sack full of things that needed to be put away. All I wanted to do was put them away...just ONE sackful, but I couldn't!

I stood there for a moment, so depressed that I didn't think I could go on. Something had to be done. I asked myself, "What are my options?" The first thing that came to mind was suicide, but that was not an option. Suicide seems such a selfish thing to do and it certainly did not fit into my legalistic thought processes. I did not desire that, I dismissed it immediately.

I saw that my choices were limited. The only way out hinged on my Spirituality: I had to choose to commit all the way, one way or another. The Spirit spoke to me suggesting that I could quit trying to do everything myself. I could give it to Jesus, but as much as I loved Him, that didn't fit into my many years of belief patterns. I didn't know how to do that even if I wanted to. My only other option was to just give up. I could just give up trying or caring about anything, Jesus included. I could go on being the 'good' person I was but I would be dead inside. Dead people don't hurt and no one would know.

There are two components to conversion: the intellectual and the emotional. Many times they happen together. Many times they do not. The intellectual comes when we accept the Bible as the true Word of God. The emotional conversion comes when we see Jesus face to face. When we see the truest love for what it is, from that point forward things are never the same. We cannot help but want to emulate that love to all those around us.

I saw Jesus that day, in my minds eye. As I stood there staring at that paper sack, I saw Him. He was as vivid in my mind as the pain was in my heart. I stood looking at him, wondering what to do, trying to decide. And as I stood face to face with my Lord and Savior, the only thing I could imagine to be more painful than what I had experienced for the last two months would be to look into His eyes and tell Him, "Your sacrifice....was not for me".

I could not bear the thought of the pain that would inflict on Him, and I melted, so completely. The Lord brought me to my lowest point physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually so that He could lift me up. For the first time ever, I surrendered fully.

I realized in that interaction that may have lasted all of 10 seconds (though it seemed like hours) that it isn't what "I" do. Life is not all about what I do! I can't DO it right. I tried for 42 years to DO IT RIGHT. At that moment in my life, I realized that what I did was not important, but rather what He does in me. It was that transformation that would bring the obedience I desired.

Since that day the peace has been indescribable. It has been sweet, indeed. My love for Him is insurmountable. Do I occasionally get discouraged? Sometimes I start to get that way...but then I look at Him again, face to face.

On November 20, 2004, my husband and I were re-baptized at Jere Patzer's evangelistic series in Forest Grove. That day I looked at a congregation of about 300 people and shared my testimony. Never before would I have considered doing such a thing. Never before would the words have even been intelligible, for I had a serious phobia of public speaking. On that Sabbath day my words were clear, my voice resonant, and my heart stable...and rejoicing. this has been my most convincing evidence of His conversion in my life.

Pastor Vio told me just to hold on to his arm and he would bring me up out of the water. He was a strong man and I felt secure. As I went below the surface I looked up and saw how the light above the water was out of focus and shining dimly. I remembered what he said and held fast to his arm. I let him do the work, a novel concept for me. Just as he promised, I only needed to hold on. He lifted me up and out of the watery grave and the ligth became clear, what a blesed symbolism God has given us.

It was just the right time. It was perfect. It was memorable.

I believe that before we are fully converted, we will need to meet Him face to face. It will be in a different way for each of us, a different time, a different process. Ultimately we need to draw close to Him, consciously look into His eyes and tell Him whether His sacrifice was for us. If you have never looked at Jesus, I highly recommend it.

How am I doing with my performance, my 'behavior'? Well, it has never been easier. I am far from perfect but when my strength comes from the transformation that His love has made in my heart, I can look at Him and smile. I can't WAIT to see Him...Face to Face! Can you?
Praise God.

I realized that in my conversion I would have to step out in faith and trust God to supply my needs. I quit my job rather abruptly just before my baptism as I saw what the stress was doing to my life. I am currently working in a much more sane place. Since then, I have only turned down more work that I can handle. I am still a nurse, amazingly enough, and now ministering to my family, which includes many 'adopted' young adults who come and go through our home. My adopted family includes people from all over the world as they come and go through Mission College of Evangelism in Gaston, Oregon. God has blessed me so much!