CINDY'S STORY - Part 1

It had to be perfect!



I was raised in a nominal Seventh-Day Adventist family. There was an interesting mix of spirituality in our home. We were actually quite liberal....and legalistic. Our obedience was fostered from a sense of right-ness.



I was baptized when I was eleven or twelve, but it was not my idea. Someone mentioned that "it was about time." I believed in God and wanted to serve Him, I knew the doctrines.....so I was baptized. But, there was no longing, no desire.



I continued to grow up with my legalistic style and expected others to just see the black and white of things as I did, to 'buck up" and perform. After all, if we didn't....we would be lost. How important obedience is, but it comes from such a different angle for me today! I have a desire to be saved rather than just "not be lost".



I married a Seventh-day Adventist friend of many years. In fact, I did not know life without him. We met at church before I was old enough to remember such a meeting. We attended school together throughout our elementary and high school years. We married when he was 20 and I was 17. Many people said we would never make it, we were too young. The one thing we both knew was that love is a decision and divorce was not an option for either of us. This principle was clearly established by the Holy Spirit in each of our minds prior to marrying. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. The credit for our success is the Holy Spirit's.



This is my personal testimony of conversion and therefore is very focused on my own internal struggles but I must express my appreciation to my family. All of my struggles were just that the last two years....internal. Though I did not share what was really going on in my heart until after my conversion experience, they were very loving and supportive of my needs. I appreciate and feel very unworthy of the unconditional love bestowed upon me by my family when I was choosing to drive rather than lead in every area of life. I have no doubts that there will be, at the very least, a shadow of my star in each of their crowns.



My husband Dan was always one who could see his spirituality as 'just a part of life.' He was not perfect. He and God knew this and it was life, so, carry on. But this thought process didn't fit into the idealizations, expectations and forms of perfection in my mind. The dilemma I dealt with was that I couldn't even come close to living up to the values and principles of legalism that I had been taught so well. Therefore, I tried harder.



And...we had children. At some point in the rearing process I think it was when our firstborn was about 18 months, I had a grand revelation that moved me one step towards my conversion. Even though I had been able to extract certain behaviors (whether she liked it or not) from this blessed "charge" that God had given me...I was unable to make her think the way I wanted. This was distressing. From the time I was first exposed to misbehaving little ones, I determined I WOULD raise perfect children. This criteria fit into the role of my Christian expectations because it was right, just as any good Christian knows.



Heretofore, I had been living with "all the answers" but suddenly this little 20 pound bundle of cuddles (and struggles) pulled the rug out from under my feet. THIS revelation was a serious blow, indeed.



I then attended Nursing School where I learned that there is so much information in this world that I did not know. I actually did not have all the answers. The more I learned, the more I knew I didn't know. This humbled me, bringing me another step toward conversion.

When I started a nursing job, we were required to attend Conflict Resolution classes. These were extensive and very valuable! Every person on earth should be required to attend them. What a blessing! It was here that I learned how people's different experiences affect each person's behavior. I learned that if someone didn't behave just as I thought they should...they might have had a different upbringing, different exposures, and perhaps it was not their lack of integrity that caused their behavior, but rather their lack of knowing the truth. I was again humbled, realizing that I was not so intelligent at evaluating other people's value systems...like I once thought. At that point, I learned to love and pity those souls whose behavior betrayed their lack of guidance, love and support in growing up. And I learned to be thankful for the upbringing that I had. I praised God for giving me the brotherly love that moved me one more step closer to Him.

As the years passed, we were active in church. In 2000, Black Hills Mission College of Evangelism presented an Evangelistic Series in Forest Grove, OR. Our church was to sponsor this event. We were among the usual 12 families who ALWAYS supported church events. It was the right thing to do! So, we attended the meetings to be supportive, but what we heard we had not heard before, same Bible, different stuff. The great controversy between Christ and the devil became so clear...so real. What struck me so significantly was the concept of seeing not only what God said in the Bible, but what He DIDN'T say. Suddenly the Bible came alive! Is was no longer superficial. I didn't study to prove the other guy wrong. I met the Lord on a more intellectual level than I had before. It was exciting and invigorating to explore. Though I had learned my memory verses in school and I knew the basis for Biblical doctrines, for the first time in my life, I consumed the Bible and I found myself falling in love with a 'Man' named Jesus. Now I longed for baptism, but it had to be at just the right time. It had to be perfect. It had to be memorable.

Time went on...life went on and in keeping with my upbringing, I saw more and more in the Bible of how I must behave, especially now that I loved Jesus. This presented a problem. Each time I made a mistake, I was even harder on myself. I began to work harder, to focus more...I could do it if I just put forth more effort! But what I saw in myself was so pathetic. I began struggling spiritually, trying to mix my love for Jesus into my old legalistic lifestyle. But as Satan exulted, he didn't leave me with just that. He threw every other aspect of life into the mix that he could.

Physical....
It started two years after the meetings. Not only did WE move, but we moved our house. God was leading and we could see that, but this move put us out of a place to live..literally, for four months. When we did move back into our home, there was one hassle after another and it took a total of two years of hard physical work (heavy work that women just aren't built for, and for 12-16 hours a day). Then there was always some urgent or essential thing that had to be done and I remember having about 5 literal days during those two years when I did not work each day to the point of exhaustion. Even Sabbaths were spent extending hospitality, which I derived pleasure from, but still taxed my physical resources. I felt like my life was set by everyone else's time frames. I couldn't do it anymore.

Mental....
I had changed jobs. I am an emergency room nurse. This new job was my first experience with serious trauma and critically ill cases coming at me from all directions. Our unit was short staffed for the high acuity patient population that we served and I ran 12 hours a day with minimal breaks. Many times I had more than one patient that needed treatment NOW and I had to choose which person was going to get help first...knowing the other might not survive until I got back to them. The stress was beyond comprehension for me, day after day for almost a year and it impacted every aspect of my life.

Emotional...
While trying to keep all issues of my life under control, I found another aspect very out of control. A misunderstanding occurred with a brother in the faith. I held him very dear to my heart and it was a painful experience to add to my agenda. In fact, my mental capacity was quite affected by my emotional response. Yet again, I had to keep moving. I had to go to work that day. I kept thinking I should call in sick, but I couldn't. Good Christians, who did things right, do NOT call in sick when they aren't physically ill. I went to work and asked the charge nurse to put me in the less acute area of the Emergency Room, somewhere that I couldn't "kill" somone. My emotional state was that of deep distress and I feared making a big mistake.

Within fifteen minutes of my shift I had over-medicated a sweet elderly lady, I gave the usual dose, but only 1/2 that dose was ordered. The lady ended up in ICU with tubes going everywhere, including directly into her chest. I do not know if she survived. She needed only to survive the eight hours until the drug wore off and then she would be fine. This was the only time in my life that I chose to avoid knowing the truth. I chose to remain in denial. To this day I do not know...but I have faith.

Spiritual...
I was unable to emothionally handle all of this, which tells me where I was spiritually. In my attempt to meld this new love for Jesus into my old thought processes, I was making my own life miserable. The last two years had been difficult indeed. That last two months had been excruciating. I was not dealing well with the physical and mental exhaustion, but more than that, I couldn't deal with the emotional component...the emotional turmoil of the result of my own actions.

Continued in next post